10 years ago, this month, I embarked on a journey to give up sexual intimacy until marriage! What was I thinking?!? I must have been crazy, right? Well maybe... I think I was crazy tired of giving myself up physically for love only to get a temporary feeling that didn't last long, affection or a part-time boo, not a full time love. To be honest, I never thought I would make it to 10 years on this celibacy journey. I always thought well, I'm honoring God with my body, I'm giving up this huge part of life that I loved, probably more than I should have cause hey, I'm single, but I'm not gonna have to wait very long. Aaaaaannnnnddd it's 10 years later! Lol! While this has not been a very easy journey mentally, physically, spiritually, and socially, it has helped me to avoid soooo many mistakes that I have made in the past. I have avoided so many soul ties, heartbreaks, frustrating relationships, and ultimately wasting my time...(Though I wasted time in other ways...that's another blog)
What made me decide to become celibate? Well I was dating a guy that was cool but very laid back. He went to my church but his relationship with God wasn't very strong. I was hoping for more emotionally and spiritually, but the chemistry was very flat, and at that point, I felt like whatever, he's not the one, might as well try him out in the bedroom and then go our separate ways. Little did I know, that uneventful lackluster experience led me all the way to Gods arms in a fit of frustration, tears, and surrender. I decided to finally try to do it God's way.
So, in 2007 at Word of Faith Family Worship Cathedral, I made the decision to save myself, dedicate my body to the Lord and wait until marriage to have sex. Our singles ministry held a 6 or 7 week covenant series that ended in a purity ceremony in the presence of friends and family. I even got my dad to give me a purity ring for the ceremony and to have a visual reminder of the covenant I made with the Lord. God blessed me to find the perfect dress that was originally $40, but when I walked away from it, God said go back and get that dress, and when I did a few weeks later, it was $15!!
During the covenant series, we were challenged to select an accountability partner to be there for us during this journey. This was to be someone we could trust, who would understand us and hold us accountable during the times when this celibacy journey got rough, which it definitely has. Having someone to talk to who will not judge you but hear you out, talk you down from the ledge, encourage you to stay the course when you are weak are just a few things you need in an accountability partner. I found that in my coworker in 2007 right before I started the series. My coworker Kim who was also a pastor, sat beside me at work because God moved her from one seat to the seat next to mine after her computer stopped working. We began talking and her testimony of how she met her husband blew me away. We connected through our struggles and she was truly my voice of reason when I wanted to give in.
Through the years... YEARS.. Lol. I have gone from being 100% sure of myself and my decision of celibacy to doubting it to anger and frustration at why I've had to wait for so long, like when is it going to be over!! Can you tell I was sooo focused on ONE THING... My flesh! When is my flesh going to be satisfied Lord??? I'm so sure he was asking when are you going to focus on satisfying ME with your flesh and spirit?? See Year 1, 2 and 3 were kinda rocky, trying to remain celibate, dating without physical intimacy, and maturing in my walk with God. During that time I got so much closer to God, I got baptized, I improved in my giving and bible study. Through my church, I learned how to praise God more, my fasting became more purposeful and I could truly hear the Lord's voice much more clearly. I also had some struggles dating men who I allowed to tempt me heavily, and put myself in compromising situations. I isolated myself from my accountability partner Kim and she drifted from me also due to her family situations. I also went through some rough financial situations and nearly got evicted from my apartment, BUT GOD came through on time!!
By year 4 I was in a long-distance relationship with a guy I met through my parents in my hometown. I really learned a lot about my likes and dislikes, the true intentions of my heart and how to be celibate in a relationship. I hadn't had a chance to practice before so this was new for me. My boyfriend at that time wasn't celibate because he wanted to be but because that was my decision and he understood it and partially agreed with it. Throughout the course of that relationship, we weren't a strong couple that pursued God as the center of our relationship so we didn't completely walk together, we walked separately at our own pace with God, so NOT on one accord. The relationship ultimately did not survive the distance, but also, we pushed the boundaries of physical intimacy because I felt too weak to truly walk in dedication and truly commit to preserving my purity mind, body and spirit. The main thing I could hold onto was that I was STILL technically faithful in not having SEX before marriage. I was doing other things that were not pure though and often during those times, I just had to take my purity ring off.
I. Took. My. Ring. OFF.
After leaving that relationship, by year 5 I'm really frustrated by this waiting for a husband and celibacy journey. Several friends have gotten married and had kids by now, I'm having less, and less dates, career is going so so, and I'm angry. I am busy doing what I think I should be doing but I'm not moving forward. Dates are few and far between, because social media is changing the way we communicate, I'm trying online dating, but no real relationships are produced from those experiences. Then, I fell... I actually let my flesh, thoughts, and the loneliness cause me to fall into the arms of someone who did not have my best interest at heart and did not share my goal of celibacy at all.
I thought the world would crumble and a cloud of failure would hang over me until I was celibate enough to gain God's love and mercy back. Why did I think that? Romans 8:1 says Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. There was no cloud or thunder, there was guilt, as there is with sin, but it wasn't unbearable. What did happen was incredible anger and frustration with God and my wait for marriage and ended up going to therapy after a panic attack at work. The combination of guilt, anger, fear, and anxiety of the future came crashing down on me. It lead to 7 months of healing and growth that helped to wash away so many doubtful thoughts, toxic patterns, and helped me to stop dwelling so much on the past.
5 more years of WAITING.
Yes 5 years after that I am STILL WAITING to be married. Today I am not angry about it!! I ended up moving to Los Angeles where my dating experiences diminished significantly. However, I have avoided SO MUCH HEARTACHE, as it relates to giving myself to someone physically, that I see it as a blessing! It has been very challenging, as I have only dated 2 guys here in a significant way since I've been here in LA. I look back on the last 5 years like wow, I have really dodged several bullets and have not wasted my time in wrong, unhealthy and ungodly relationships. Now as I said earlier I DID waste my time emotionally with men, but ALL of that was due to my own LOVE ADDICTION...and again that's another blog altogether!! Seriously!
Today I have truly accepted my celibacy and am grateful for this journey because I see the light at the end of the tunnel. The light is GOD, the light is my own purpose, the light is loving myself, the light is my own authenticity and not apologizing for who I am. This light is a peace that surpasses all understanding now. Today I accept that boundaries in dating ARE necessary. Today I will not apologize for being celibate, and I will not hide it! I have worn my purity ring off and on and now is on!! When people ask me now why I am still single, I actually have a solid answer that makes sense given what I've been through. Now, I am pushing 40, and it seems like I have waiting for an eternity for marriage and kids, but really, I have been waiting on me and God has been waiting on me. I have procrastinated to a degree, so long just to get to something that I may have been delaying myself because I was not living my purpose and not truly accepting celibacy, committing to it, and trusting God for his best for me! I'm looking forward to God's move in my life as I continue my celibacy journey and have faith that it WILL end in His time!
No comments:
Post a Comment