Do I have room for you?

You know, I say I want a man in my life, a strong healthy relationship, the kind that fairy tales are made of, or at least prime time television!  I say, oh I've waited so long to find and be found by my prince charming, my knight, my African King, lol, but am I ready to make ROOM for him in my life? This is a serious question to think about and consider the answers to because it might be why HE hasn't shown up yet.

I feel pulled in many directions in my life and only recently have slowed down to make time for myself on the weekends. I used to be so busy with church obligations and teaching acting class and I worked at night so I always felt like I had little time for me, let alone time for love.  I maneuvered through a long distance relationship for a year and a half but that whole outta site outta mind thing was real for me. I know they say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but since we started it kinda on a blind set up, and then went right into the LDR, it subconsciously allowed me to still keep a busy schedule in my life, and then have romance when it was convenient... at least for both of our schedules when we met up again.  I felt good at first, still having ME but having him too.  But then I realized that he still had to compete with my schedule whenever he wanted to talk or meet up, and I didn't have enough me to give some days because I didn't HAVE to make room for him in my life.  I didn't have to make Friday or Saturday night dinner or movie plans each week. I never had to go to his place or tidy up before he came to my place a few times a week. I never had to really cook a meal with or for him. Never made it to church service together or met up with other couples to double date, and we also were never there to comfort each other when we were sick.

I've never been a serial dater or had serious relationships in the past so as I get older, having to make time for someone else in a romantic way is new. I know the rules of dating have changed quite a bit in the last few years and I feel like I'm missing some key clues, rules and general knowledge about letting love into your life, and not just fitting it in like a workout! Honestly, sometimes I do feel like I am missing out on time to grow in my craft of acting or personal growth, because I'm on a date. Dates feel like chores now if they take me away from me doing what I need to do. I'm just acknowledging a subconscious thought that I'm noticing has plagued my recent dating life.   I guess you could call me a saboteur.

Yes I'll admit that a part of my lack of romance has to do with me getting more involved with socializing on a regular basis and then the other part is not feeling like I'm just wasting time spending too much time with a person.  I don't feel like people are a waste of time but certain situations can be spirit consuming or take you away from the things you need to do. Maybe I just don't know how to relax and have a good time fellow shipping and getting to know someone without feeling like "me time" is being compromised. Also, I don't want to neglect my other obligations in life.  I guess I've never been truly in love or met someone I really wanted to spend all my time with either! So if that's the case... I really feel like that's one reason I don't make room for HIM. Being by yourself for awhile also makes you love being with just you and not being bothered about that!  On the other hand, the emotional intimacy I crave can move into the clingy zone a bit at times, so if I like someone now I try to keep my feelings in check. I mean I have been known to let my expectations get the best of me and think deeper about a person than they may think of me, so lately I've noticed myself pulling back and not setting up another date or meet up for weeks or whenever it's convenient for me.  Question...  IS LOVE CONVENIENT??

Is love something that happens deliberately with methodical dating techniques and rules or does it just happen over a period of spontaneous, in the moment, go by your gut dating with a Carpe Diem feel to it? IDK, so that's why I'm asking! Lol!  I'm leaning more towards the side that I've not met that person that as Bruce Springsteen would say,  "she's got a secret garden...." That is a place where I believe has a perfect balance of what I need, what I want, and the place where my vulnerability finally feels free and safe and at home, and he and I are both free to roam indefinitely!

I know that keeping my distance allows my fickle mind a chance to get out while I've still got my dignity but that's exactly where I need to be in order to allow true love to not just be convenient for me but for it to be second nature, like breathing...  I NEED it.

So this heart shaped month of February, I'm going to start throwing out negative thoughts, giving away some things I haven't used in ages, pruning, pulling weeds, planting seeds of compassion and patience,  water them to grow a listening heart, dust off old love records,  air out the stench of fear and bitterness, carve out some time for emotional connections and most of all CREATE ROOM for love in my SECRET GARDEN!

Mountains in My Rearview

I was driving to a friend's house Saturday, and it was a gorgeous day. There were mountains to my left, and to my right, but when I looked in my rearview mirror, I noticed there were mountains in the mirror. My first thought was wow, they are beautiful, and then it hit me... those mountains were literally behind me. I wanted to take a picture of them but I was using the GPS on my phone so I couldn't stop and take it, plus I was driving. What I realized in that moment was a sense of relief and joy. Even though I loved looking at all the mountains, the ones in the mirror really made me realize that some of the greatest mountains in my life were behind me. WOW. I could breathe a sigh of relief as well as let out a huge THANK YOU JESUS, because I have overcome so much. I never looked at my life in that way. We are always looking at the mountains ahead of us instead of looking at the mountains that we climbed, hiked, cried all the way up, and all the way down, walked, ran, crawled around, and finally pushed out of our way! And yet those same mountains of obstacles were beautiful.

As I sit here and write this, I am overwhelmed and tears flow at the sheer thought of how far I've come in my life. I have accomplished many, many more things than I have ever realized. Those MOUNTAINS are proof!! God's way of saying YOU ARE TOUGH.... I SAID I'D NEVER LEAVE YOU... YOUR TROUBLES DIDN'T OVERCOME YOU, YOU OVERCAME THEM!!!!! He reminded me that I CAN celebrate my successes and stop being so hard on myself, stop telling myself the lies that my past was too big to get over. I can look at those mountains and appreciate who I was then and who I've become because of them. It made me love myself so much more. It made me carry myself with pride, healthy pride, strength and exude the confidence and courage to conquer any mountains ahead.

I also realized that I wasn't the only one to have this experience either as there is a book written about it called Mountain In My Rearview Mirror. Wow, how cool! The book seems to illustrate my same feelings and thoughts I had when seeing those mountains in the mirror that day. (I'll be ordering a copy myself) I encourage you to look at your own mountain in your own rearview and just take a moment to appreciate the view that signifies your growth, courage, and your ability to overcome some of the biggest obstacles you may have faced in your life. You are more than a conqueror through Jesus Christ!!

Looking back on that day, I realized that it finally felt great just being able to ride off into the sunset feeling empowered, accomplished, and full of God's grace and wisdom!

Unrequited, and it feels so good...

When I was 8 years old, there was this song I would play over and over again, like literally on repeat. I thought it was the most beautiful, most romantic song at that time, and it had a hold on me. The song was I Live For Your Love, by Natalie Cole. By this time you already know what my 8 year old, naive, mind with the beginnings of hopeless romanticism didn't know, the song, though beautiful, was sad and not nearly as romantic as I thought it was. But it was sooooo pretty and the intro was like water trickling down a beautiful waterfall in Jamaica right outside the Sandals resort for couples only. I only focused on the “I live for your love” part and thought that this is what love was. No wonder I had an unrequited crush on a guy for a period of my life... Natalie Cole was pining her broken heart away for this man who would never love her, didn't want her anymore, and after leaving 30 messages on his voice mail, (just kidding but she could have) he probably sees her as a desperate stalker and has changed his locks, and telephone number by now. But why did it sound so romantic to me???  Why did no one explain to me that she was in unrequited love?? Now I feel hosed... Isn't it every girls dream to meet a handsome man, fall in love, and live together married, happily ever after?? I thought that’s what she was doing!?

Fast forward to 2013, and I can still sing the song verbatim even after not having heard it for many years. It was that ingrained in my spirit, that it takes be back to my innocence of what I thought true love was supposed to be. I would later have my own “I live for your love” experience with a young gentleman we will call Romero Bolero, to protect the innocent...anyhoo. I was experiencing the whole “I need you so much, that I just cant go on anymore....” drama myself, but on a teen level, not on a 45 and my eggs are nearly spoiled, you're my only hope for kids, I wanna end it kinda way. I thought for sure, in some magical, miraculous, manifest destiny kinda way, we would be together, in love married forever. These fantasies continued even though we were just friends, went to different highschools and colleges, and even went to a formal event together, where he still chose to speak highly of one of my girls which was a huge sign that “he just wasn’t that into me.”  Now I did have a boyfriend or three throughout the years and even got completely over him, until I was lovesick again, and ran into him (purposefully) and found out he was getting married! Talk about the wind getting knocked out of you, but wait... we weren’t even in touch, hadn’t talked to each other in years. What in the world made me think that at 24, our love story was going to finally begin?? Natalie Cole!!! I lived for being in unrequited love... period. It was the only love I knew and that was about to get a serious wake up call. Now there was a new song, oldie but goodie, that I was forced to sing... CONGRATULATIONS by Vesta!! Realistically, Romero and I had no chance of really being an item, but a girl can dream right?? Well this girl apparently dreamt too much and it was seeping into the real waking world.

When the dust settled after hearing those fateful words. I knew the dream was over for good. Nothing makes you happier and sad at the same time than seeing someone you care about deeply, happy. But wait, now that that dream is dead, what about finding real true love that is the opposite of unrequited? Can I dream a new dream WITH someone? Can I meet and fall in love with someone who loves me and wants to marry me in real life?? You might say yes, but my journey in the last 10 years to age 34 has proven otherwise.

Where is that naive, innocent, optimistic, hopeless romantic young Kaiesha we've all come to know in love?? Well, like Natalie Cole, who left all those messages, realized after he never called her back, after she could no longer sneak in his house and sniff his Bill Cosby sweaters, (this song did come out in the 80's) and write love notes in the dust on his car window, she got the message, plus he probably got married to the chick her dumped her for right after anyway. Arrrggghhh!!! By the way I never did those things to Romero...but I digress. Inevitably I bowed out gracefully, threw up my white flag and said you win you lucky girl, whoever you are, but I know you slightly. Touche'  love, cupid, and E harmony! Random, ok I know, but seriously it has been uber hard to feel that way about someone, meet someone, date, or just have a deep connection with these days.

I haven’t given up on love completely, buuuuutttt, you could say I've changed my name to Jade, last name Ed. Yea cheesy, but slightly true. Romero Bolero is not the cause of that change, and I wouldn’t say I'm the queen of jadedom, but some of the relationships along the way contributed to my temporary stay there at times. As of right now I am living for my own love and happiness in joydom, and am working day by day to revive the comatose hopeless romantic that lives and breathes through a ventilator called Jesus, he is love right? At least I know he loved me first so that means I'm 1-349343949598 on the scoreboard of love right? And since you’re gonna say, well Jesus doesn’t count, you can't hug him at night, well yes you can... so I’m reaching, but you get it. Technically, I'm still 0-39482989850599875. Now, I will work on living for His love, Jesus the carpenter, not the baby, until he mends my heart and brings me my true love, so we can sing a new song and live for the love of each other!!

On this election day 2012, I wanted to bring a little bit of humor to the serious business of voting.  We know that many people who lived before us struggled greatly to fight for the right to vote, and now we have the free privilege of doing so.  Today I exercised my right to vote and I hope you did too! I am anxious like everyone else to see who our new President will be, but...yes there is a BUT, I know who truly reigns as the head of  my life!! God will always have the final say, so let's keep him first and recognize man as the stewards of the land we have been put in charge to care for!! 

I'M BAAACCCCKKKK!!!!

What's up everyone?! Long time no see or read or....well you know what I mean! I know I've been missing in action for a while, but I'm back and happy to be getting back to you all!! So much has happened in the last 2 years since I posted last. Oh where to start?? Lol! Well the summer of 2010 a I got a boyfriend, by Christmas I had braces, and in the new year of 2011

I started a YouTube Series called The Blessed Life by Robert Morris. I've performed sketch comedy for the first time at Sketchworks Theatre which was sooooo much fun, so much so, that I decided to perform again this year in the main stage show called SCHMASHED!!! That was an awesome show with so many talented actors! Then... I broke up with my boyfriend, changed my work shift from night to day (yay!!!), had surgery on my foot, and have performed in 3 productions this year, including performing at Lionheart Theatre. Now, I am currently rehearsing for a new show, all while working full-time plus overtime!! WHEW!! This was all possible through God's love and power working in my life!! Life is really good right?! So here I go again, back on the Blog wagon lol! I'm excited and nervous for what's to come because I will be revealing more than I have before, so you will get an exclusive look into the little known adventures called my life!! I'll be going zip lining soon, getting my braces off this year, and I have recently started dating online...oooooh! There are so many things to experience and enjoy in this world and I want to share it with you!! I also want my life to be an example and to be used by God to help others along this journey of life!. Sooooo with that said...I'm baaaaacccccckkkkk!!!!! *LIFE*

5 miles to empty

Ever been driving around with your gas tank sitting on E? Two years ago during the gas shortage, I was out of gas, out of town, and out late at night. No I wasn't partying and being irresponsible, I was doing an industrial shoot for a furniture store all the way in Cartersville, GA. I had done this shoot before, but forgot how far it really was and I got turned around a couple times before making it there just I'm time for the 5:30pm call time. I did realize that I was low on gas and with my reliable Honda, I have never had an issue with gas or, lack there of. This was the first time I just might have broken my record and been stuck on the side of the road. I figured I could just get gas after the shoot and be on my merry little way back to Decatur. Little did I know, I was in for a lesson in FAITH on fumes. Get it?!

Now I met a gentleman at the shoot who offered to follow me to a gas station just in case I ran out of gas. See God brought a someone to cover me so I'd be good. As an I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T woman, we need to learn to accept help when a man is trying to do his job to protect you, even when it seems like he's trying to holla and you're not feeling him. This wasn't necessarily the case, but I'm just saying, stop trying to do everything on your own. Anyway, the shoot was going well and fortunately for me, I was wrapped about 12am, but unfortunately my "covering" was not wrapped. I had to make a decision on whether to wait on him or strike out on my own in this dark night in Cartersville. Well, I was being slightly independent and stubborn, cause I was TIRED, and I left my covering there at the shoot. SHOOT! LOL!!

Now I crank up my Honda, and of course the gas light is on, but I'm like no prob, Lord I saw a few gas stations on my way in, I'll be straight. Hmmmfp! I felt like Goldilocks and the Three Bears, I was trying every gas station, and it was like "this one's closed" and "this one's open but has no gas!" This was not going like the fairytale at all! I was not having any GoldiLUCK! Now I'm starting to panic just a little cause I left my covering who could have found a gas station that was open for me and I wouldn't have had to drive around blindly WASTING gas! Now remember I am in Cartersville where everything practically shuts down at 9 pm, and they don't have QT or RACETRAC like Atlanta, soooo I am so screwed now and I don't know where I'm going, I'm just driving, I could've been in Tennessee somewhere, maybe not since I was out of gas, ha! So now I'm praying like the whole time like just calling JESUS' name, cause there is POWER in HIS name right?!

At this point I am sure I am going to run out of gas because I have been driving for a long time AND I have driven in circles and up and down dark 2 lane roads with nothing in sight. Finally I drive by this gas station that has all the lights off and all the pumps are off, BUT, the open sign is on. Huh? Next door was the laundromat that was open, and I passed this station earlier, but the "open" sign and dark store seemed like a denial to me. Well this time I pulled into the lot and there was a guy standing in front of the laundromat outside doing something on his cellphone. I took a chance and just asked him if he knew whether or not the gas station was actually opened or closed. AUDACITY OF HOPE (oooh, this coulda been the title too...)

He actually said "No it's closed I'm sorry." I was like "oh cause I see the "open" sign is on...and I'm like soooo outta gas... At this point I'm defeated, BUT GOD!!! How about the guy was actually the manager of that gas station!!!! What!!!! So I'm like "sir please I have like NO GAS IN THIS CAR, and have been driving for like 20 min" in the middle of the night. Now of all the stations I drove past, that were closed and had no gas, God led me to a station that HAD gas and COULD BE opened by FAITH! The guy told me to pull up to the pump, and he reopened the store so that I could get gas!! God WILL open a door that seems closed even when it has an "open" sign that would lead you to believe for example, that a job is available and they go and hire their friend, or that home you're under contract for is practically yours and then the bank says, "ummm NO!" TRUST ME! God opened a door for me when it was closed and it reminds me that he will NEVER leave me nor forsake me....EVER!

This guy was so nice and I was just baffled at the fact that I wouldn't and couldn't even have guessed that HE was the manager of the store, all because of his position. HMM position.... I didn't link him to the gas station because he was "positioned" or standing in front of the laundromat. Now I did kinda racially profile him but only because he looked sorta middle eastern and I know alot of them work at a lot of gas stations, so I thought, hmm maybe... or maybe not. He couldve been playing snake on his phone while waiting for his clothes to dry, or tryna text his baby momma to tell her he just couldnt wash her unmentionables so that meant she wasn't going have any clean panties to wear to work the next day unless she washed them in the sink herself! Lol! You know how some men are! Who knows why he was standing there cause he wasn't washing no clothes, he standing right where God wanted him to be standing so that God could test my faith.

Gas station guy ended up saying to me that he too had actually been out of gas stranded before, and that's why he opened the store for me. Compassion and empathy! When you have been through something you tend to have more empathy and are more compelled to help someone knowing their pain firsthand. Bless his heart. This one was "just right" as Goldilocks would say!

Well folks, needless to say, I drove out of Cartersville on a full tank of gas, money in my pocket from the shoot, and another victory for TEAM JESUS!! HALLELUJAH!! With God all things are possible, even a closed door can be open with God placing all the players in the right positions like any good coach, and with the players studying, applying and trusting the playbook (Bible), victory is inevitable!

From the mouth of babes

Last Sunday, my sister decided to take my nephews to see a live show of Peter Pan. I am always down for live theatre! Well the play was held at an amphitheatre, so I was excited to be able to have a sort of picnic on a sunny day.

We went to Publix right before the show started so that we could get snacks and sandwiches, and normally I wouldn't get a sub sandwich from anywhere but Baldinos, a personal hometown favorite. This time I went ahead and ordered an Italian sub since it was slightly similar to my Baldinos usual. So the Publix guy is putting all the "fixins" on my sub and he puts like two squirts of oil on it and I'm like "hey come on man you can put some more oil on there," and he was like "oh my bad ok, I'll put more on there." Now I was saying it in a light jokey way, you know, "you know 2 squirts is not enough bruh." Well I thought nothing of the interaction, and as we went to check out, my nephew was like "you were very...demanding." I'm standing there like really?? He's like "yes you sounded mean." From the mouth of babes.

Its interesting how you can think you sounded on way but really, what you said was perceived another way. I ended up going back to the substation and apologizing to the Publix guy. He was like "NO! you're fine, I wasn't offended at all, I mean I love you...WAIT!! I LOVE YOU?? What random guy says that? I think he had a Freudian slip there, which was a little weird, but slightly flattering.

Even though I wasn't perceived as mean by the Publix guy, I may have been mean in other areas of life. I know one of my coworkers says that I can say some pretty insensitive things. If I have, I truly am sorry. I think I try my best to resolve conflict because I like hashing things out and being upfront with people. This was why I went back, not to soothe my own ego, but to mend fences. So many arguments can be squashed by just taking the opportunity to apologize when something is said that is hurtful or embarrassing. I think some people can also be in denial about even being wrong, which I have been caught on both sides of that argument, so to speak.

In my communication studies in college, we would attribute this misunderstanding to what we call 'noise' which is not necessarily audible, but can be semantic, psychological, or cultural. In an article on the Society for Technical Communication, Noise refers to anything introduced into the message that is not included in it by [the] sender. I think this happens a lot in general, so from now on I will proofread the messages in my head before they are sent from my mouth, because I think my "firewall" may have been down on various occasions, causing unintended viruses. LOL!!