Do I have room for you?

You know, I say I want a man in my life, a strong healthy relationship, the kind that fairy tales are made of, or at least prime time television!  I say, oh I've waited so long to find and be found by my prince charming, my knight, my African King, lol, but am I ready to make ROOM for him in my life? This is a serious question to think about and consider the answers to because it might be why HE hasn't shown up yet.

I feel pulled in many directions in my life and only recently have slowed down to make time for myself on the weekends. I used to be so busy with church obligations and teaching acting class and I worked at night so I always felt like I had little time for me, let alone time for love.  I maneuvered through a long distance relationship for a year and a half but that whole outta site outta mind thing was real for me. I know they say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but since we started it kinda on a blind set up, and then went right into the LDR, it subconsciously allowed me to still keep a busy schedule in my life, and then have romance when it was convenient... at least for both of our schedules when we met up again.  I felt good at first, still having ME but having him too.  But then I realized that he still had to compete with my schedule whenever he wanted to talk or meet up, and I didn't have enough me to give some days because I didn't HAVE to make room for him in my life.  I didn't have to make Friday or Saturday night dinner or movie plans each week. I never had to go to his place or tidy up before he came to my place a few times a week. I never had to really cook a meal with or for him. Never made it to church service together or met up with other couples to double date, and we also were never there to comfort each other when we were sick.

I've never been a serial dater or had serious relationships in the past so as I get older, having to make time for someone else in a romantic way is new. I know the rules of dating have changed quite a bit in the last few years and I feel like I'm missing some key clues, rules and general knowledge about letting love into your life, and not just fitting it in like a workout! Honestly, sometimes I do feel like I am missing out on time to grow in my craft of acting or personal growth, because I'm on a date. Dates feel like chores now if they take me away from me doing what I need to do. I'm just acknowledging a subconscious thought that I'm noticing has plagued my recent dating life.   I guess you could call me a saboteur.

Yes I'll admit that a part of my lack of romance has to do with me getting more involved with socializing on a regular basis and then the other part is not feeling like I'm just wasting time spending too much time with a person.  I don't feel like people are a waste of time but certain situations can be spirit consuming or take you away from the things you need to do. Maybe I just don't know how to relax and have a good time fellow shipping and getting to know someone without feeling like "me time" is being compromised. Also, I don't want to neglect my other obligations in life.  I guess I've never been truly in love or met someone I really wanted to spend all my time with either! So if that's the case... I really feel like that's one reason I don't make room for HIM. Being by yourself for awhile also makes you love being with just you and not being bothered about that!  On the other hand, the emotional intimacy I crave can move into the clingy zone a bit at times, so if I like someone now I try to keep my feelings in check. I mean I have been known to let my expectations get the best of me and think deeper about a person than they may think of me, so lately I've noticed myself pulling back and not setting up another date or meet up for weeks or whenever it's convenient for me.  Question...  IS LOVE CONVENIENT??

Is love something that happens deliberately with methodical dating techniques and rules or does it just happen over a period of spontaneous, in the moment, go by your gut dating with a Carpe Diem feel to it? IDK, so that's why I'm asking! Lol!  I'm leaning more towards the side that I've not met that person that as Bruce Springsteen would say,  "she's got a secret garden...." That is a place where I believe has a perfect balance of what I need, what I want, and the place where my vulnerability finally feels free and safe and at home, and he and I are both free to roam indefinitely!

I know that keeping my distance allows my fickle mind a chance to get out while I've still got my dignity but that's exactly where I need to be in order to allow true love to not just be convenient for me but for it to be second nature, like breathing...  I NEED it.

So this heart shaped month of February, I'm going to start throwing out negative thoughts, giving away some things I haven't used in ages, pruning, pulling weeds, planting seeds of compassion and patience,  water them to grow a listening heart, dust off old love records,  air out the stench of fear and bitterness, carve out some time for emotional connections and most of all CREATE ROOM for love in my SECRET GARDEN!

Mountains in My Rearview

I was driving to a friend's house Saturday, and it was a gorgeous day. There were mountains to my left, and to my right, but when I looked in my rearview mirror, I noticed there were mountains in the mirror. My first thought was wow, they are beautiful, and then it hit me... those mountains were literally behind me. I wanted to take a picture of them but I was using the GPS on my phone so I couldn't stop and take it, plus I was driving. What I realized in that moment was a sense of relief and joy. Even though I loved looking at all the mountains, the ones in the mirror really made me realize that some of the greatest mountains in my life were behind me. WOW. I could breathe a sigh of relief as well as let out a huge THANK YOU JESUS, because I have overcome so much. I never looked at my life in that way. We are always looking at the mountains ahead of us instead of looking at the mountains that we climbed, hiked, cried all the way up, and all the way down, walked, ran, crawled around, and finally pushed out of our way! And yet those same mountains of obstacles were beautiful.

As I sit here and write this, I am overwhelmed and tears flow at the sheer thought of how far I've come in my life. I have accomplished many, many more things than I have ever realized. Those MOUNTAINS are proof!! God's way of saying YOU ARE TOUGH.... I SAID I'D NEVER LEAVE YOU... YOUR TROUBLES DIDN'T OVERCOME YOU, YOU OVERCAME THEM!!!!! He reminded me that I CAN celebrate my successes and stop being so hard on myself, stop telling myself the lies that my past was too big to get over. I can look at those mountains and appreciate who I was then and who I've become because of them. It made me love myself so much more. It made me carry myself with pride, healthy pride, strength and exude the confidence and courage to conquer any mountains ahead.

I also realized that I wasn't the only one to have this experience either as there is a book written about it called Mountain In My Rearview Mirror. Wow, how cool! The book seems to illustrate my same feelings and thoughts I had when seeing those mountains in the mirror that day. (I'll be ordering a copy myself) I encourage you to look at your own mountain in your own rearview and just take a moment to appreciate the view that signifies your growth, courage, and your ability to overcome some of the biggest obstacles you may have faced in your life. You are more than a conqueror through Jesus Christ!!

Looking back on that day, I realized that it finally felt great just being able to ride off into the sunset feeling empowered, accomplished, and full of God's grace and wisdom!