Crazy. Sexy. Celibate

                                                        HE PUT A RING ON IT!!!!!!

10 years ago, this month, I embarked on a journey to give up sexual intimacy until marriage! What was I thinking?!? I must have been crazy, right? Well maybe... I think I was crazy tired of giving myself up physically for love only to get a temporary feeling that didn't last long, affection or a part-time boo, not a full time love. To be honest, I never thought I would make it to 10 years on this celibacy journey. I always thought well, I'm honoring God with my body, I'm giving up this huge part of life that I loved, probably more than I should have cause hey, I'm single, but I'm not gonna have to wait very long. Aaaaaannnnnddd it's 10 years later! Lol! While this has not been a very easy journey mentally, physically, spiritually, and socially, it has helped me to avoid soooo many mistakes that I have made in the past. I have avoided so many soul ties, heartbreaks, frustrating relationships, and ultimately wasting my time...(Though I wasted time in other ways...that's another blog)

What made me decide to become celibate? Well I was dating a guy that was cool but very laid back. He went to my church but his relationship with God wasn't very strong. I was hoping for more emotionally and spiritually, but the chemistry was very flat, and at that point, I felt like whatever, he's not the one, might as well try him out in the bedroom and then go our separate ways. Little did I know, that uneventful lackluster experience led me all the way to Gods arms in a fit of frustration, tears, and surrender. I decided to finally try to do it God's way.

So, in 2007 at Word of Faith Family Worship Cathedral, I made the decision to save myself, dedicate my body to the Lord and wait until marriage to have sex. Our singles ministry held a 6 or 7 week covenant series that ended in a purity ceremony in the presence of friends and family. I even got my dad to give me a purity ring for the ceremony and to have a visual reminder of the covenant I made with the Lord. God blessed me to find the perfect dress that was originally $40, but when I walked away from it, God said go back and get that dress, and when I did a few weeks later, it was $15!! 

During the covenant series, we were challenged to select an accountability partner to be there for us during this journey. This was to be someone we could trust, who would understand us and hold us accountable during the times when this celibacy journey got rough, which it definitely has. Having someone to talk to who will not judge you but hear you out, talk you down from the ledge, encourage you to stay the course when you are weak are just a few things you need in an accountability partner. I found that in my coworker in 2007 right before I started the series. My coworker Kim who was also a pastor, sat beside me at work because God moved her from one seat to the seat next to mine after her computer stopped working. We began talking and her testimony of how she met her husband blew me away. We connected through our struggles and she was truly my voice of reason when I wanted to give in. 

Through the years... YEARS.. Lol. I have gone from being 100% sure of myself and my decision of celibacy to doubting it to anger and frustration at why I've had to wait for so long, like when is it going to be over!! Can you tell I was sooo focused on ONE THING... My flesh! When is my flesh going to be satisfied Lord??? I'm so sure he was asking when are you going to focus on satisfying ME with your flesh and spirit?? See Year 1, 2 and 3 were kinda rocky, trying to remain celibate, dating without physical intimacy, and maturing in my walk with God. During that time I got so much closer to God, I got baptized, I improved in my giving and bible study. Through my church, I learned how to praise God more, my fasting became more purposeful and I could truly hear the Lord's voice much more clearly. I also had some struggles dating men who I allowed to tempt me heavily, and put myself in compromising situations. I isolated myself from my accountability partner Kim and she drifted from me also due to her family situations. I also went through some rough financial situations and nearly got evicted from my apartment, BUT GOD came through on time!!

By year 4 I was in a long-distance relationship with a guy I met through my parents in my hometown. I really learned a lot about my likes and dislikes, the true intentions of my heart and how to be celibate in a relationship. I hadn't had a chance to practice before so this was new for me.  My boyfriend at that time wasn't celibate because he wanted to be but because that was my decision and he understood it and partially agreed with it. Throughout the course of that relationship, we weren't a strong couple that pursued God as the center of our relationship so we didn't completely walk together, we walked separately at our own pace with God, so NOT on one accord. The relationship ultimately did not survive the distance, but also, we pushed the boundaries of physical intimacy because I felt too weak to truly walk in dedication and truly commit to preserving my purity mind, body and spirit. The main thing I could hold onto was that I was STILL technically faithful in not having SEX before marriage. I was doing other things that were not pure though and often during those times, I just had to take my purity ring off.

I. Took. My. Ring. OFF. 

After leaving that relationship, by year 5 I'm really frustrated by this waiting for a husband and celibacy journey. Several friends have gotten married and had kids by now, I'm having less, and less dates, career is going so so, and I'm angry. I am busy doing what I think I should be doing but I'm not moving forward. Dates are few and far between, because social media is changing the way we communicate, I'm trying online dating, but no real relationships are produced from those experiences. Then, I fell... I actually let my flesh, thoughts, and the loneliness cause me to fall into the arms of someone who did not have my best interest at heart and did not share my goal of celibacy at all.

I thought the world would crumble and a cloud of failure would hang over me until I was celibate enough to gain God's love and mercy back. Why did I think that?  Romans 8:1 says Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. There was no cloud or thunder, there was guilt, as there is with sin, but it wasn't unbearable. What did happen was incredible anger and frustration with God and my wait for marriage and ended up going to therapy after a panic attack at work. The combination of guilt, anger, fear, and anxiety of the future came crashing down on me. It lead to 7 months of healing and growth that helped to wash away so many doubtful thoughts, toxic patterns, and helped me to stop dwelling so much on the past. 

5 more years of WAITING.

Yes 5 years after that I am STILL WAITING to be married. Today I am not angry about it!!  I ended up moving to Los Angeles where my dating experiences diminished significantly. However, I have avoided SO MUCH HEARTACHE, as it relates to giving myself to someone physically, that I see it as a blessing! It has been very challenging, as I have only dated 2 guys here in a significant way since I've been here in LA. I look back on the last 5 years like wow, I have really dodged several bullets and have not wasted my time in wrong, unhealthy and ungodly relationships. Now as I said earlier I DID waste my time emotionally with men, but ALL of that was due to my own LOVE ADDICTION...and again that's another blog altogether!! Seriously! 

Today I have truly accepted my celibacy and am grateful for this journey because I see the light at the end of the tunnel. The light is GOD, the light is my own purpose, the light is loving myself, the light is my own authenticity and not apologizing for who I am. This light is a peace that surpasses all understanding now. Today I accept that boundaries in dating ARE necessary. Today I will not apologize for being celibate, and I will not hide it! I have worn my purity ring off and on and now is on!! When people ask me now why I am still single, I actually have a solid answer that makes sense given what I've been through.  Now, I am pushing 40, and it seems like I have waiting for an eternity for marriage and kids, but really, I have been waiting on me and God has been waiting on me. I have procrastinated to a degree, so long just to get to something that I may have been delaying myself because I was not living my purpose and not truly accepting celibacy, committing to it, and trusting God for his best for me! I'm looking forward to God's move in my life as I continue my celibacy journey and have faith that it WILL end in His time!

Do I have room for you?

You know, I say I want a man in my life, a strong healthy relationship, the kind that fairy tales are made of, or at least prime time television!  I say, oh I've waited so long to find and be found by my prince charming, my knight, my African King, lol, but am I ready to make ROOM for him in my life? This is a serious question to think about and consider the answers to because it might be why HE hasn't shown up yet.

I feel pulled in many directions in my life and only recently have slowed down to make time for myself on the weekends. I used to be so busy with church obligations and teaching acting class and I worked at night so I always felt like I had little time for me, let alone time for love.  I maneuvered through a long distance relationship for a year and a half but that whole outta site outta mind thing was real for me. I know they say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but since we started it kinda on a blind set up, and then went right into the LDR, it subconsciously allowed me to still keep a busy schedule in my life, and then have romance when it was convenient... at least for both of our schedules when we met up again.  I felt good at first, still having ME but having him too.  But then I realized that he still had to compete with my schedule whenever he wanted to talk or meet up, and I didn't have enough me to give some days because I didn't HAVE to make room for him in my life.  I didn't have to make Friday or Saturday night dinner or movie plans each week. I never had to go to his place or tidy up before he came to my place a few times a week. I never had to really cook a meal with or for him. Never made it to church service together or met up with other couples to double date, and we also were never there to comfort each other when we were sick.

I've never been a serial dater or had serious relationships in the past so as I get older, having to make time for someone else in a romantic way is new. I know the rules of dating have changed quite a bit in the last few years and I feel like I'm missing some key clues, rules and general knowledge about letting love into your life, and not just fitting it in like a workout! Honestly, sometimes I do feel like I am missing out on time to grow in my craft of acting or personal growth, because I'm on a date. Dates feel like chores now if they take me away from me doing what I need to do. I'm just acknowledging a subconscious thought that I'm noticing has plagued my recent dating life.   I guess you could call me a saboteur.

Yes I'll admit that a part of my lack of romance has to do with me getting more involved with socializing on a regular basis and then the other part is not feeling like I'm just wasting time spending too much time with a person.  I don't feel like people are a waste of time but certain situations can be spirit consuming or take you away from the things you need to do. Maybe I just don't know how to relax and have a good time fellow shipping and getting to know someone without feeling like "me time" is being compromised. Also, I don't want to neglect my other obligations in life.  I guess I've never been truly in love or met someone I really wanted to spend all my time with either! So if that's the case... I really feel like that's one reason I don't make room for HIM. Being by yourself for awhile also makes you love being with just you and not being bothered about that!  On the other hand, the emotional intimacy I crave can move into the clingy zone a bit at times, so if I like someone now I try to keep my feelings in check. I mean I have been known to let my expectations get the best of me and think deeper about a person than they may think of me, so lately I've noticed myself pulling back and not setting up another date or meet up for weeks or whenever it's convenient for me.  Question...  IS LOVE CONVENIENT??

Is love something that happens deliberately with methodical dating techniques and rules or does it just happen over a period of spontaneous, in the moment, go by your gut dating with a Carpe Diem feel to it? IDK, so that's why I'm asking! Lol!  I'm leaning more towards the side that I've not met that person that as Bruce Springsteen would say,  "she's got a secret garden...." That is a place where I believe has a perfect balance of what I need, what I want, and the place where my vulnerability finally feels free and safe and at home, and he and I are both free to roam indefinitely!

I know that keeping my distance allows my fickle mind a chance to get out while I've still got my dignity but that's exactly where I need to be in order to allow true love to not just be convenient for me but for it to be second nature, like breathing...  I NEED it.

So this heart shaped month of February, I'm going to start throwing out negative thoughts, giving away some things I haven't used in ages, pruning, pulling weeds, planting seeds of compassion and patience,  water them to grow a listening heart, dust off old love records,  air out the stench of fear and bitterness, carve out some time for emotional connections and most of all CREATE ROOM for love in my SECRET GARDEN!