God is on time even when I'm not

Today I woke up not feeling my best, but I was determined to get out of the house and yup work hopefully on time. That has been my goal for the last 2 weeks. Be at my desk at or before 8am. For the last 2 weeks, I have met my goal I'm happy to say. Today however, I almost didn't make it.  You see in order to reach my goal, I have to wake up at 530am. No problem you say, but I am a night girl and do not just pop out of bed when the sun rises. In order to meet my goal I have to force myself to get up, fix the dog's food and get me together. I was very sluggish this morning, since I had been sick over the weekend. By the time I was beating my face it was 6:49am and I was just taking the dog for her walk. LATE!!

I take the 7:04 train and in order for me to make it I have to leave at least by 7:55. I try not to procrastinate on this because I know it takes about 3 to 4 minutes to get there but leaving at 7am is just pushing it, even for my procrastination nerve. Well, wouldn't you know it... my 7am MOVE YOUR CAR alarm was going off for the street sweeping. I missed the mark... for the first time in weeks,  I would miss they 7:04 train... ugh. Now I knew I would still meet my goal by taking the next train, but I'd either have to walk to work or hustle to get to the bus. So...I prayed,  LORD LET THE TRAIN BE LATE. This train is rarely late y'all. So I go in faith and as I pull up, the train is pulling up!! Now as the enemy would have it, a car in front of me is going super slow, like he is at the train station to catch the night train not the next train, so he takes his sweet time! So I go around him and park in the first available spot and run for the train. Guess what? I MADE IT! Thank you Lord! I sat down, and as the train pulled out of the station I looked at my phone and it said 7:06am!! The train was late!! Yes, thank you Lord! I'm so grateful because I honestly thought I was going to miss it this time! It's a great thing that God is on time even when I'm not! 

Crazy. Sexy. Celibate

                                                        HE PUT A RING ON IT!!!!!!

10 years ago, this month, I embarked on a journey to give up sexual intimacy until marriage! What was I thinking?!? I must have been crazy, right? Well maybe... I think I was crazy tired of giving myself up physically for love only to get a temporary feeling that didn't last long, affection or a part-time boo, not a full time love. To be honest, I never thought I would make it to 10 years on this celibacy journey. I always thought well, I'm honoring God with my body, I'm giving up this huge part of life that I loved, probably more than I should have cause hey, I'm single, but I'm not gonna have to wait very long. Aaaaaannnnnddd it's 10 years later! Lol! While this has not been a very easy journey mentally, physically, spiritually, and socially, it has helped me to avoid soooo many mistakes that I have made in the past. I have avoided so many soul ties, heartbreaks, frustrating relationships, and ultimately wasting my time...(Though I wasted time in other ways...that's another blog)

What made me decide to become celibate? Well I was dating a guy that was cool but very laid back. He went to my church but his relationship with God wasn't very strong. I was hoping for more emotionally and spiritually, but the chemistry was very flat, and at that point, I felt like whatever, he's not the one, might as well try him out in the bedroom and then go our separate ways. Little did I know, that uneventful lackluster experience led me all the way to Gods arms in a fit of frustration, tears, and surrender. I decided to finally try to do it God's way.

So, in 2007 at Word of Faith Family Worship Cathedral, I made the decision to save myself, dedicate my body to the Lord and wait until marriage to have sex. Our singles ministry held a 6 or 7 week covenant series that ended in a purity ceremony in the presence of friends and family. I even got my dad to give me a purity ring for the ceremony and to have a visual reminder of the covenant I made with the Lord. God blessed me to find the perfect dress that was originally $40, but when I walked away from it, God said go back and get that dress, and when I did a few weeks later, it was $15!! 

During the covenant series, we were challenged to select an accountability partner to be there for us during this journey. This was to be someone we could trust, who would understand us and hold us accountable during the times when this celibacy journey got rough, which it definitely has. Having someone to talk to who will not judge you but hear you out, talk you down from the ledge, encourage you to stay the course when you are weak are just a few things you need in an accountability partner. I found that in my coworker in 2007 right before I started the series. My coworker Kim who was also a pastor, sat beside me at work because God moved her from one seat to the seat next to mine after her computer stopped working. We began talking and her testimony of how she met her husband blew me away. We connected through our struggles and she was truly my voice of reason when I wanted to give in. 

Through the years... YEARS.. Lol. I have gone from being 100% sure of myself and my decision of celibacy to doubting it to anger and frustration at why I've had to wait for so long, like when is it going to be over!! Can you tell I was sooo focused on ONE THING... My flesh! When is my flesh going to be satisfied Lord??? I'm so sure he was asking when are you going to focus on satisfying ME with your flesh and spirit?? See Year 1, 2 and 3 were kinda rocky, trying to remain celibate, dating without physical intimacy, and maturing in my walk with God. During that time I got so much closer to God, I got baptized, I improved in my giving and bible study. Through my church, I learned how to praise God more, my fasting became more purposeful and I could truly hear the Lord's voice much more clearly. I also had some struggles dating men who I allowed to tempt me heavily, and put myself in compromising situations. I isolated myself from my accountability partner Kim and she drifted from me also due to her family situations. I also went through some rough financial situations and nearly got evicted from my apartment, BUT GOD came through on time!!

By year 4 I was in a long-distance relationship with a guy I met through my parents in my hometown. I really learned a lot about my likes and dislikes, the true intentions of my heart and how to be celibate in a relationship. I hadn't had a chance to practice before so this was new for me.  My boyfriend at that time wasn't celibate because he wanted to be but because that was my decision and he understood it and partially agreed with it. Throughout the course of that relationship, we weren't a strong couple that pursued God as the center of our relationship so we didn't completely walk together, we walked separately at our own pace with God, so NOT on one accord. The relationship ultimately did not survive the distance, but also, we pushed the boundaries of physical intimacy because I felt too weak to truly walk in dedication and truly commit to preserving my purity mind, body and spirit. The main thing I could hold onto was that I was STILL technically faithful in not having SEX before marriage. I was doing other things that were not pure though and often during those times, I just had to take my purity ring off.

I. Took. My. Ring. OFF. 

After leaving that relationship, by year 5 I'm really frustrated by this waiting for a husband and celibacy journey. Several friends have gotten married and had kids by now, I'm having less, and less dates, career is going so so, and I'm angry. I am busy doing what I think I should be doing but I'm not moving forward. Dates are few and far between, because social media is changing the way we communicate, I'm trying online dating, but no real relationships are produced from those experiences. Then, I fell... I actually let my flesh, thoughts, and the loneliness cause me to fall into the arms of someone who did not have my best interest at heart and did not share my goal of celibacy at all.

I thought the world would crumble and a cloud of failure would hang over me until I was celibate enough to gain God's love and mercy back. Why did I think that?  Romans 8:1 says Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. There was no cloud or thunder, there was guilt, as there is with sin, but it wasn't unbearable. What did happen was incredible anger and frustration with God and my wait for marriage and ended up going to therapy after a panic attack at work. The combination of guilt, anger, fear, and anxiety of the future came crashing down on me. It lead to 7 months of healing and growth that helped to wash away so many doubtful thoughts, toxic patterns, and helped me to stop dwelling so much on the past. 

5 more years of WAITING.

Yes 5 years after that I am STILL WAITING to be married. Today I am not angry about it!!  I ended up moving to Los Angeles where my dating experiences diminished significantly. However, I have avoided SO MUCH HEARTACHE, as it relates to giving myself to someone physically, that I see it as a blessing! It has been very challenging, as I have only dated 2 guys here in a significant way since I've been here in LA. I look back on the last 5 years like wow, I have really dodged several bullets and have not wasted my time in wrong, unhealthy and ungodly relationships. Now as I said earlier I DID waste my time emotionally with men, but ALL of that was due to my own LOVE ADDICTION...and again that's another blog altogether!! Seriously! 

Today I have truly accepted my celibacy and am grateful for this journey because I see the light at the end of the tunnel. The light is GOD, the light is my own purpose, the light is loving myself, the light is my own authenticity and not apologizing for who I am. This light is a peace that surpasses all understanding now. Today I accept that boundaries in dating ARE necessary. Today I will not apologize for being celibate, and I will not hide it! I have worn my purity ring off and on and now is on!! When people ask me now why I am still single, I actually have a solid answer that makes sense given what I've been through.  Now, I am pushing 40, and it seems like I have waiting for an eternity for marriage and kids, but really, I have been waiting on me and God has been waiting on me. I have procrastinated to a degree, so long just to get to something that I may have been delaying myself because I was not living my purpose and not truly accepting celibacy, committing to it, and trusting God for his best for me! I'm looking forward to God's move in my life as I continue my celibacy journey and have faith that it WILL end in His time!

Snuggling up to Single

Helllloooooo 2017!! It's so good to be back in the blogosphere again!! You wanna know what else feels good right now? Finally snuggling up to Single! YES! I am feeling my singleness so much right now and in a good way! Just like homegirl in the photo looks like she is getting the most peaceful, satisfying sleep ever. Just like her, I am loving being single and getting the most peaceful, satisfying joy out of chasing my dream life right now!! There is just something about the space I'm in right now that feels so warm and cozy that I just don't want to let go of. I am enjoying my/me time more than ever, sleeping in has been the best, and just being responsible for me, and my dog of course has its perks!! I am just at a good place now.

I haven't been in a serious relationship now for awhile, I mean it's been a few years. I do date every now and again, but nothing so serious that I could relax and snuggle up to relationship status. The beauty of enjoying my time being single is that I am no longer anxious for a relationship, nor am I desperately longing to be in love. I used to loathe being single, and hated the thought of life with without my soul mate. I used to cry and feel sorry for myself that "The One" and I hadn't met yet,  keep in mind, my biological clock ticks kinda loudly from time to time, but I have never been more anxious about having a child, than having the best relationship (marriage) to have a child in. Since I cannot force love to happen, I can't make someone love me, I need to be not just content, but crazy satisfied and in love with my life right at this very moment. I have decided that while dating can be fun and romantic, it can also be frustrating, time consuming and cause anxiety. Trying to be the right one and meet the right one, can wear on your mind and heart, and no one looks forward to another 1st and last date or awkward date behavior like your date stopping and a costume jewelry store before dinner to get an cubic zirconia earring just because he needs to floss on the date. Dating just sometimes feels like trying to find a needle in a haystack or scooping the water you spilled in the ocean back into your cup.... IMPOSSIBLE! Lol! I can't say at this point that I am on a steady quest to find or be found by love. I would however, love to meet a great person and become awesome friends that find themselves dating and falling in love. Hey, friendship is the foundation to most lasting relationships in our lives, and with that comes a level of respect and genuine care for another human being that just dating from a superficial standpoint, may not hold true.

You know those nights when you are so tired you cant do anything but shower, and fall into bed and straight to sleep? And the sleep is so deep, and you're so warm that when its time to get up, you cannot move? Like you snooze, roll over 3 times, and have the sweetest dreams you've ever had because if this sleep. That's what I feel like nowadays. Thoughts of really giving 100% to my career, friends, family, personal goals, traveling and loving myself really have inspired me! We only have one life, and it's very short. I no longer want to waste it pining over what/who I don't have in my life. A relationship is not the only thing that matters in life. There are blogs to write, needy to feed, causes to fight for, countries to explore, books to read, friends to know, and ways to grow, a Reading Rainbow! Hahahaha! I got a little caught up and nostalgic for a second!!

Truly I would love to experience all those things with my soul mate, but I feel so comfortable and at peace with just being by myself that right now, someone has to be purposeful to my life's journey in order for me to wake from my single slumber. I mean, this man coming into my life must shift my foundation so much that it is essential that he and I connect our lives and souls in marriage as we are greater together than we are apart. That our lives don't make sense anymore apart from marriage. I welcome that day when it comes... until then, I will snuggle up to single and cast my marital status worries to the wind.

What a difference a year makes!

Welcome to Hollywood!!

Oh my gosh Becky!! I can't believe it's been a year since I moved to Los Angeles California! Last year I was running around Atlanta, GA like a chicken with its head cut off trying to get ready to leave the only state I've ever known as home! Everything was happening so fast and it never hit me until I was on the plane and we were leaving Atlanta. I saw the buildings downtown and all I heard was Michelle Branch's Goodbye to you playing in my head...ugh,  I'm getting verclempt  again just thinking about it! I still remember dragging my luggage to the security as I went through the maze waving at my sister, mom, nephews and my dad. I'd never been away from them this long and this far away.  I still remember my mom saying how you gonna leave me with your crazy daddy?! Lol! She was joking, she loves her baby daddy for real!  My nephews were acting hard, they were quiet and just hugged me like they weren't gonna miss me but they totally were broken up on the inside! Ha! Probably not right? My sister was kinda sad too. I've never seen her seem so emotional about me leaving but I felt her love and sadness. I had said goodbye to my brother a few days before so it wasn't as deep but still sad.  It truly felt surreal to leave home to live thousands of miles across the country to a state I've never been to in my life!  God provided an opportunity I could not refuse and I'm glad I stepped out on faith and took a chance at a new life in Los Angeles, CA!!

I had an awesome opportunity to get a new job, and God blessed me to have my uncle offer to have me stay with him until I found my own place. The pieces fell right into place! Moving to a new state all together was stressful, exciting, nerve wracking, and fun! I had to pack up my life, perform in a show with a 3 weekend run, get my braces off, go to doctors appointments, ship my car, and say goodbye to friends and family!! Whew!! Unfortunately I didn't get to say goodbye to everyone... In one year I have met some amazing people, and reconnected with friends from Georgia. People always ask me how long I'm gonna be here or if I'll ever go back to Georgia, but I always said I'd give it at least a year, and well... here I am a year later!! Who knows what the future holds, but here's a look at some of the things that happened in this last year here in LA!!  

My first pic of my first morning in LA. Awesome view!

SWEETS Candy!!

OOOHHH Beverly Hills, that's where I want to be!!

Sight seeing in San Pedro Korean Friendship Bell!

Me and Robert...He wasn't ready ya'll!! 

I commute on the train everyday for work!! Sometimes It gets like this!

Even went to Las Vegas!!

My first accident in LA...UH OH...IT AINT MY FAULT!

Me , my mom, and my aunt in Venice Beach!

Got my landscape photography on!!

New (work)  Friends. Kindest people you'll ever meet!

My first visit to Dallas, Texas

Apartment hunting with Raphael and Renee! 

I hiked Echo Mountain!! So much fun and BREATHTAKING!

I was on  plane 12 times in 2013!! OMG I was soooo jet-lagged by Christmas!

Me hanging out in San Francisco!

First Christmas in LA!! My landlords are great gift givers!!

Almost got zapped by the Scientology folks!

The LA Shorts Film Fest was awesome!

Finally got back to GA to see my family!

Google+ Hangout!!

Family

Love Tamar's Winter LoversLand!

Hung out with my brother

Meeting celebs at the Pan African Film Festival! Go See and support Blackbird and The Magic City!

Bringing in the new year with NEW GOALS!!

Do I have room for you?

You know, I say I want a man in my life, a strong healthy relationship, the kind that fairy tales are made of, or at least prime time television!  I say, oh I've waited so long to find and be found by my prince charming, my knight, my African King, lol, but am I ready to make ROOM for him in my life? This is a serious question to think about and consider the answers to because it might be why HE hasn't shown up yet.

I feel pulled in many directions in my life and only recently have slowed down to make time for myself on the weekends. I used to be so busy with church obligations and teaching acting class and I worked at night so I always felt like I had little time for me, let alone time for love.  I maneuvered through a long distance relationship for a year and a half but that whole outta site outta mind thing was real for me. I know they say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but since we started it kinda on a blind set up, and then went right into the LDR, it subconsciously allowed me to still keep a busy schedule in my life, and then have romance when it was convenient... at least for both of our schedules when we met up again.  I felt good at first, still having ME but having him too.  But then I realized that he still had to compete with my schedule whenever he wanted to talk or meet up, and I didn't have enough me to give some days because I didn't HAVE to make room for him in my life.  I didn't have to make Friday or Saturday night dinner or movie plans each week. I never had to go to his place or tidy up before he came to my place a few times a week. I never had to really cook a meal with or for him. Never made it to church service together or met up with other couples to double date, and we also were never there to comfort each other when we were sick.

I've never been a serial dater or had serious relationships in the past so as I get older, having to make time for someone else in a romantic way is new. I know the rules of dating have changed quite a bit in the last few years and I feel like I'm missing some key clues, rules and general knowledge about letting love into your life, and not just fitting it in like a workout! Honestly, sometimes I do feel like I am missing out on time to grow in my craft of acting or personal growth, because I'm on a date. Dates feel like chores now if they take me away from me doing what I need to do. I'm just acknowledging a subconscious thought that I'm noticing has plagued my recent dating life.   I guess you could call me a saboteur.

Yes I'll admit that a part of my lack of romance has to do with me getting more involved with socializing on a regular basis and then the other part is not feeling like I'm just wasting time spending too much time with a person.  I don't feel like people are a waste of time but certain situations can be spirit consuming or take you away from the things you need to do. Maybe I just don't know how to relax and have a good time fellow shipping and getting to know someone without feeling like "me time" is being compromised. Also, I don't want to neglect my other obligations in life.  I guess I've never been truly in love or met someone I really wanted to spend all my time with either! So if that's the case... I really feel like that's one reason I don't make room for HIM. Being by yourself for awhile also makes you love being with just you and not being bothered about that!  On the other hand, the emotional intimacy I crave can move into the clingy zone a bit at times, so if I like someone now I try to keep my feelings in check. I mean I have been known to let my expectations get the best of me and think deeper about a person than they may think of me, so lately I've noticed myself pulling back and not setting up another date or meet up for weeks or whenever it's convenient for me.  Question...  IS LOVE CONVENIENT??

Is love something that happens deliberately with methodical dating techniques and rules or does it just happen over a period of spontaneous, in the moment, go by your gut dating with a Carpe Diem feel to it? IDK, so that's why I'm asking! Lol!  I'm leaning more towards the side that I've not met that person that as Bruce Springsteen would say,  "she's got a secret garden...." That is a place where I believe has a perfect balance of what I need, what I want, and the place where my vulnerability finally feels free and safe and at home, and he and I are both free to roam indefinitely!

I know that keeping my distance allows my fickle mind a chance to get out while I've still got my dignity but that's exactly where I need to be in order to allow true love to not just be convenient for me but for it to be second nature, like breathing...  I NEED it.

So this heart shaped month of February, I'm going to start throwing out negative thoughts, giving away some things I haven't used in ages, pruning, pulling weeds, planting seeds of compassion and patience,  water them to grow a listening heart, dust off old love records,  air out the stench of fear and bitterness, carve out some time for emotional connections and most of all CREATE ROOM for love in my SECRET GARDEN!

Mountains in My Rearview

I was driving to a friend's house Saturday, and it was a gorgeous day. There were mountains to my left, and to my right, but when I looked in my rearview mirror, I noticed there were mountains in the mirror. My first thought was wow, they are beautiful, and then it hit me... those mountains were literally behind me. I wanted to take a picture of them but I was using the GPS on my phone so I couldn't stop and take it, plus I was driving. What I realized in that moment was a sense of relief and joy. Even though I loved looking at all the mountains, the ones in the mirror really made me realize that some of the greatest mountains in my life were behind me. WOW. I could breathe a sigh of relief as well as let out a huge THANK YOU JESUS, because I have overcome so much. I never looked at my life in that way. We are always looking at the mountains ahead of us instead of looking at the mountains that we climbed, hiked, cried all the way up, and all the way down, walked, ran, crawled around, and finally pushed out of our way! And yet those same mountains of obstacles were beautiful.

As I sit here and write this, I am overwhelmed and tears flow at the sheer thought of how far I've come in my life. I have accomplished many, many more things than I have ever realized. Those MOUNTAINS are proof!! God's way of saying YOU ARE TOUGH.... I SAID I'D NEVER LEAVE YOU... YOUR TROUBLES DIDN'T OVERCOME YOU, YOU OVERCAME THEM!!!!! He reminded me that I CAN celebrate my successes and stop being so hard on myself, stop telling myself the lies that my past was too big to get over. I can look at those mountains and appreciate who I was then and who I've become because of them. It made me love myself so much more. It made me carry myself with pride, healthy pride, strength and exude the confidence and courage to conquer any mountains ahead.

I also realized that I wasn't the only one to have this experience either as there is a book written about it called Mountain In My Rearview Mirror. Wow, how cool! The book seems to illustrate my same feelings and thoughts I had when seeing those mountains in the mirror that day. (I'll be ordering a copy myself) I encourage you to look at your own mountain in your own rearview and just take a moment to appreciate the view that signifies your growth, courage, and your ability to overcome some of the biggest obstacles you may have faced in your life. You are more than a conqueror through Jesus Christ!!

Looking back on that day, I realized that it finally felt great just being able to ride off into the sunset feeling empowered, accomplished, and full of God's grace and wisdom!

Unrequited, and it feels so good...

When I was 8 years old, there was this song I would play over and over again, like literally on repeat. I thought it was the most beautiful, most romantic song at that time, and it had a hold on me. The song was I Live For Your Love, by Natalie Cole. By this time you already know what my 8 year old, naive, mind with the beginnings of hopeless romanticism didn't know, the song, though beautiful, was sad and not nearly as romantic as I thought it was. But it was sooooo pretty and the intro was like water trickling down a beautiful waterfall in Jamaica right outside the Sandals resort for couples only. I only focused on the “I live for your love” part and thought that this is what love was. No wonder I had an unrequited crush on a guy for a period of my life... Natalie Cole was pining her broken heart away for this man who would never love her, didn't want her anymore, and after leaving 30 messages on his voice mail, (just kidding but she could have) he probably sees her as a desperate stalker and has changed his locks, and telephone number by now. But why did it sound so romantic to me???  Why did no one explain to me that she was in unrequited love?? Now I feel hosed... Isn't it every girls dream to meet a handsome man, fall in love, and live together married, happily ever after?? I thought that’s what she was doing!?

Fast forward to 2013, and I can still sing the song verbatim even after not having heard it for many years. It was that ingrained in my spirit, that it takes be back to my innocence of what I thought true love was supposed to be. I would later have my own “I live for your love” experience with a young gentleman we will call Romero Bolero, to protect the innocent...anyhoo. I was experiencing the whole “I need you so much, that I just cant go on anymore....” drama myself, but on a teen level, not on a 45 and my eggs are nearly spoiled, you're my only hope for kids, I wanna end it kinda way. I thought for sure, in some magical, miraculous, manifest destiny kinda way, we would be together, in love married forever. These fantasies continued even though we were just friends, went to different highschools and colleges, and even went to a formal event together, where he still chose to speak highly of one of my girls which was a huge sign that “he just wasn’t that into me.”  Now I did have a boyfriend or three throughout the years and even got completely over him, until I was lovesick again, and ran into him (purposefully) and found out he was getting married! Talk about the wind getting knocked out of you, but wait... we weren’t even in touch, hadn’t talked to each other in years. What in the world made me think that at 24, our love story was going to finally begin?? Natalie Cole!!! I lived for being in unrequited love... period. It was the only love I knew and that was about to get a serious wake up call. Now there was a new song, oldie but goodie, that I was forced to sing... CONGRATULATIONS by Vesta!! Realistically, Romero and I had no chance of really being an item, but a girl can dream right?? Well this girl apparently dreamt too much and it was seeping into the real waking world.

When the dust settled after hearing those fateful words. I knew the dream was over for good. Nothing makes you happier and sad at the same time than seeing someone you care about deeply, happy. But wait, now that that dream is dead, what about finding real true love that is the opposite of unrequited? Can I dream a new dream WITH someone? Can I meet and fall in love with someone who loves me and wants to marry me in real life?? You might say yes, but my journey in the last 10 years to age 34 has proven otherwise.

Where is that naive, innocent, optimistic, hopeless romantic young Kaiesha we've all come to know in love?? Well, like Natalie Cole, who left all those messages, realized after he never called her back, after she could no longer sneak in his house and sniff his Bill Cosby sweaters, (this song did come out in the 80's) and write love notes in the dust on his car window, she got the message, plus he probably got married to the chick her dumped her for right after anyway. Arrrggghhh!!! By the way I never did those things to Romero...but I digress. Inevitably I bowed out gracefully, threw up my white flag and said you win you lucky girl, whoever you are, but I know you slightly. Touche'  love, cupid, and E harmony! Random, ok I know, but seriously it has been uber hard to feel that way about someone, meet someone, date, or just have a deep connection with these days.

I haven’t given up on love completely, buuuuutttt, you could say I've changed my name to Jade, last name Ed. Yea cheesy, but slightly true. Romero Bolero is not the cause of that change, and I wouldn’t say I'm the queen of jadedom, but some of the relationships along the way contributed to my temporary stay there at times. As of right now I am living for my own love and happiness in joydom, and am working day by day to revive the comatose hopeless romantic that lives and breathes through a ventilator called Jesus, he is love right? At least I know he loved me first so that means I'm 1-349343949598 on the scoreboard of love right? And since you’re gonna say, well Jesus doesn’t count, you can't hug him at night, well yes you can... so I’m reaching, but you get it. Technically, I'm still 0-39482989850599875. Now, I will work on living for His love, Jesus the carpenter, not the baby, until he mends my heart and brings me my true love, so we can sing a new song and live for the love of each other!!