When I was 8 years old, there was this
song I would play over and over again, like literally on repeat. I
thought it was the most beautiful, most romantic song at that time,
and it had a hold on me. The song was I Live For Your Love, by Natalie Cole. By this time you already know what my 8 year old,
naive, mind with the beginnings of hopeless romanticism didn't
know, the song, though beautiful, was sad and not nearly as romantic as I thought it
was. But it was sooooo pretty and the intro was like water trickling
down a beautiful waterfall in Jamaica right outside the Sandals
resort for couples only. I only focused on the “I live for your
love” part and thought that this is what love was. No wonder I had
an unrequited crush on a guy for a period of my life...
Natalie Cole was pining her broken heart away for this man who would
never love her, didn't want her anymore, and after leaving 30
messages on his voice mail, (just kidding but she could have) he
probably sees her as a desperate stalker and has changed his locks,
and telephone number by now. But why did it sound so romantic to
me??? Why did no one explain to me that she was in unrequited love??
Now I feel hosed... Isn't it every girls dream to meet a handsome
man, fall in love, and live together married, happily ever after?? I
thought that’s what she was doing!?
Fast forward to 2013, and I can still
sing the song verbatim even after not having heard it for many years.
It was that ingrained in my spirit, that it takes be back to my
innocence of what I thought true love was supposed to be. I would
later have my own “I live for your love” experience with a young
gentleman we will call Romero Bolero, to protect the innocent...anyhoo. I was experiencing the whole “I need
you so much, that I just cant go on anymore....” drama myself, but on a teen level, not on a 45 and my eggs are nearly spoiled,
you're my only hope for kids, I wanna end it kinda way. I thought for
sure, in some magical, miraculous, manifest destiny kinda way, we
would be together, in love married forever. These fantasies continued
even though we were just friends, went to different highschools and
colleges, and even went to a formal event together, where he still
chose to speak highly of one of my girls which was a huge sign that
“he just wasn’t that into me.” Now I did have a boyfriend or
three throughout the years and even got completely over him, until I
was lovesick again, and ran into him (purposefully) and found out he
was getting married! Talk about the wind getting knocked out of you,
but wait... we weren’t even in touch, hadn’t talked to each other
in years. What in the world made me think that at 24, our love story
was going to finally begin?? Natalie Cole!!! I lived for being in
unrequited love... period. It was the only love I knew and that was
about to get a serious wake up call. Now there was a new song, oldie
but goodie, that I was forced to sing... CONGRATULATIONS by Vesta!!
Realistically, Romero and I had no chance of really being an item,
but a girl can dream right?? Well this girl apparently dreamt too
much and it was seeping into the real waking world.
When the dust settled after hearing
those fateful words. I knew the dream was over for good. Nothing
makes you happier and sad at the same time than seeing someone you
care about deeply, happy. But wait, now that that dream is dead, what
about finding real true love that is the opposite of unrequited? Can
I dream a new dream WITH someone? Can I meet and fall in love with
someone who loves me and wants to marry me in real life?? You might
say yes, but my journey in the last 10 years to age 34 has proven
otherwise.
Where is that naive, innocent,
optimistic, hopeless romantic young Kaiesha we've all come to know in
love?? Well, like Natalie Cole, who left all those messages, realized
after he never called her back, after she could no longer sneak in
his house and sniff his Bill Cosby sweaters, (this song did come out
in the 80's) and write love notes in the dust on his car window, she
got the message, plus he probably got married to the chick her dumped
her for right after anyway. Arrrggghhh!!! By the way I never did
those things to Romero...but I digress. Inevitably I bowed out
gracefully, threw up my white flag and said you win you lucky girl,
whoever you are, but I know you slightly. Touche' love, cupid,
and E harmony! Random, ok I know, but seriously it has been uber hard
to feel that way about someone, meet someone, date, or just have a
deep connection with these days.
I haven’t given up on love
completely, buuuuutttt, you could say I've changed my name to Jade,
last name Ed. Yea cheesy, but slightly true. Romero Bolero is not the
cause of that change, and I wouldn’t say I'm the queen of jadedom,
but some of the relationships along the way contributed to my
temporary stay there at times. As of right now I am living for my own
love and happiness in joydom, and am working day by day to revive the
comatose hopeless romantic that lives and breathes through a
ventilator called Jesus, he is love right? At least I know he loved
me first so that means I'm 1-349343949598 on the scoreboard of love
right? And since you’re gonna say, well Jesus doesn’t count, you
can't hug him at night, well yes you can... so I’m reaching, but
you get it. Technically, I'm still 0-39482989850599875. Now, I will
work on living for His love, Jesus the carpenter, not the baby, until
he mends my heart and brings me my true love, so we can sing a new
song and live for the love of each other!!
